My walk..

There are some days when it seems like I have so much to say. My inner thoughts want to burst out of my mouth and I want to scream them to the world. I have learned so much about myself in the few months that I have spent here. It seems that my characteristics and traits are amplified when I am taken out of my comfort zone. Self-realizations are a common occurrence and I've enjoyed all of them whether they reveal good or bad things about myself.

My faith has really taken shape while here. Over the years, I have come to realize that faith can come in all shapes and sizes. For most of my life I thought that I needed to regularly attend church, readily do my devotions, and pray in the morning, before bed, and whenever I felt I needed God. While all of these things are great, I've found that I can have a deeper, more meaningful relationship with God under different circumstances.

My faith has been tested many times in my life. I'd like to say that I passed with flying colors each time, but that's simply not true. Faith itself is a funny thing. Believing in something that cannot be proven and is constantly scrutinized is not easy. I'm currently in the middle of the book, 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert and I absolutely love her description of what faith is. She writes that, "Faith is a way of saying, 'Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding.'" I personally feel that faith is like trying to pin the tail on the donkey. You're blindfolded, spun and twisted, then pointed in one direction not knowing where you're aiming, when you'll get there, or if the donkey even exists. I think that's why people are so afraid of faith. They're scared they'll end up blind and confused, spinning in circles and looking ridiculous.

I've tried for so long to find the "cool faith". To be able to say that I believe in God and not be prematurely judged. Or to have people know that I have a relationship with God and think that it was cool. I tried for so long to please other people that it was no longer about God and I. I wanted to have my spiritual cake and eat it too.

The truth is, I no longer care about how I am viewed. My faith is not concrete. There are days when it can be shaken, but I still yearn that relationship with God. I want God to be ubiquitous. I want to find him everywhere in everything. My walk with J.C. has not been a quiet promenade through the park, more of a rocky hike up a bluff, but I've enjoyed it and learned so much on the way.